Value or whatever

Pretty up in my head and thinking about way much. What I want in life is no where near what I can have. This isn't about fancy cars, designer clothes, jewellery, or anything fancy. Just basic things that I need that I can't manage to provide for myself. It would be nice to not have to go with out OTC meds that make my pain less or the ability to digest food easier, a dollar pack of face wash circles. I repaired by bloody flip flops, $5 dollar flip flops. I couldn't replace a pair of $5 dollar shoes. My $60 runners are over 4 years old. Yup that means my biggest splurge on myself is about $15 a year.

I'm 44 fucking years old. I live in constant pain and many days feel that existing in a contestant state of torture is hardly preferable to not. Alas people count on me who didn't ask to be brought into this world so i'm stuck. Giving up the fight is non-optional.

I think things would be vastly different if I didn't lose sight of my value and allow others to do the same. I cannot leave my value, care, wellbeing, and control of my life in the hands of someone else. No matter how sick I am I have to take my life back and find what I let go of.

I noticed that since I leave the house so rarely I am getting a bit anxious when I am out. I don't avoid going out but am not able to due partly to health but mostly that my transportation was needed, thus taken, leaving me stranded. So nearly 3 years I've spend months at a time not going out. Not out for entertainment, enjoyment, to the store, out to just do anything. Not to grab lunch, visit friends, wander around a book store, or to see all of the beautiful things around where we live. Not having a single dollar to allow me to join a friend for a coffee (or tea in my case).

Add this to overwhelming pain (exacerbated by the stress of feeling imprisoned), nausea, isolation, loss of function due to inactivity, and spending every day alone 10 or more hours alone with an overly analytical mind.. makes for disaster. This can have detrimental effects of the psyche, friendships, relationships, a marriage, and about everything else you are trying to manage.

I have to save myself. No one is going to do it for me. I have to change it. Make things right. With no money, no transportation, and little mobility. heh This should be interesting.