How does one justify fighting when the fight is merely to exist? Not to thrive or to succeed or to flourish but only to exist. Existence not for one's self but for the benefit or lack of loss for those that care for you. How is one to justify a constant, relentless battle for strength or against excruciating pain? What is key to not feeling a sort of resentment towards those who need you to exist? As of now I don't harbour animosity for my loved ones but I worry that may develop over time. Feeling trapped can do that, I think.
I am not yet in a place that warrants alarm. I'm just processing thoughts but it's almost as if I can see it on the horizon. It's there, that darkness, bobbing up and down in the torrent of emotions that come with the war against a chronic, painful, debilitating disease like AS and life circumstances that are beyond one's control. The bad days, that are far more frequent that good, are getting tougher to examine with logic and optimism. Perhaps there is a need for a cranky bitch to rant about Ankylosing Spondylitis? See, positive.
There is humour I suppose in this too. Those in my life that belittle, trivialize, or don't bother to understand the simplest thing about me or the disease destroying my entire body are the same ones who preach positivity and pushing through. It's baffling how some people have zero clue to who you are as a person or what you are dealing with but go on and on about how they can relate and how you should deal with it. In a perfect little snow globe of reality where everything is picturesque and the surface shiny, well you can do that.
When you live hand to mouth, not leaving the house for months on end aside from medical appointments, when every movement of your body, including waste removal, is hindered or all but stopped completely by the inflammatory disease wreaking havoc in every system, and when you are watching your hands, knees, feet, and face literally become more deformed daily, well being all sunshine and rainbows is be tricky. Tricky, I imagine even for a more perky, peppy, girl who liked that kind of thing. Add to this black cloud concoction a high functioning autistic brain riddled with PTSD and a proclivity for control and there is the rub, or many rather. All of those who see my thoughts as negativity can just not read them. It's fairly simple. If you are bothered by me, walk away because I don't have the energy to appease you.
Well then, looks like I'm more than existing tonight. Even if today's purpose was just to be miss ranty pants. Seems my point took a left turn but that may be just what I needed. Guess I answered my own question. You just find stupid reasons to exist until a better one comes along. Maybe I should do this more often.
